A POEM FOR THOSE WHO ARE STILL WAITING

A POEM FOR THOSE WHO ARE STILL WAITING There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed her and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.” ~Author Unknown

I Finally Chose A Doula

So... We've chosen a doula! And I feel much better with an emotional expert at my birth. She's already given me books from her "lending library". She's young and she's fresh and she appears totally non-judge mental. Her husband is former Army and she's worked with military families so I feel good after choosing her. Her name is Amanda Santana and IM can't wait for what our journey will have in store for us soon. Ill keep you posted. ;)

A Letter for Kali

My Dearest Sweet Kali, Your dad & I have literally hustled ALL the way from the bottom to the top and now I feel that it's ALL been for you. I feel like Ive loved you 1000 yrs already. Definitely going to instill into you all the morals, values & work ethic that my mom poured inside me. If you probably already know that Im SO not a cryer. But I did cry my poor little heart out when I finally laid eyes on you. I felt happy & stupid. I felt happy bc you made it & only a select few really know what that journey has been like for me & your dad. We had prayed & waited.. & prayed, waited... prayed& finally accepted that maybe we were both too broken to ever meet you. Not worthy of the chance to raise a tiny human into an adult who could make an impact in this world. But we were so wrong! I think we just weren't ready at the time. So patience is what it took. I felt stupid bc all these yrs I finally understand how physically & mentally & emotionally exhausted my mom must have truly been that early morning in Nov of 2000. So exhausted to quit fighting, give up the ghost & leave my sister & I behind. I say this bc I see you and can't imagine a thing so painful or so difficult to make me part from you willingly. So whatever it was, I hope she is resting peacefully and she knows that I KNOW that it was worth it for her. With one breath, you helped me understand her and more importantly, forgive her & then...forgive myself. I have felt like Ive been holding MY breath for this day since I saw that first BFP on Dec 27th! And I exhaled something major today. We have so many plans & hopes and dreams for you, Kali! We've sat up for hrs just doting on what you will look like, how you will talk, your temperament, your successes in life, your intelligence. I honestly think you will be attached at our hips! You will prob stay close by with your husband and your kids. You'll prob come over everday with my grandkids & ask for advice. You'll prob tell your Aunt Libby all the secrets you wouldn't tell your mom. But thats ok bc you dont realize that I raised her pretty much so her advice will typically be my advice from her mouth. Lol. Ppl say its like having your heart walk around outside your body, and they're SO right. My heartbeat matters none if yours isn't beating too. But...half my soul (aka your daddy) has been holding my hand for 9yrs., and he's been a riot at times. He's still here tho, healthy & sound, so this should a cakewalk. Right, Kali? 😏 Lol. I already know even though we've separated, even though we've disagreed, he will never abandon you. Even if I died tomorrow, he would somehow pull it together and raise you into a lady. He will be your knight-in-shining armor, your protector, your hero, your therapist, your personal comedian, your magician, your playmate, your quarterback & at other times your stalker, your general, your warden, your overseer, and your private investigator. He will always be your prayer partner & your bestfriend. He has changed in ways for you that you couldn't even imagine just to prepare himself for you. We have a savings now bc of him. I am not afraid to travel away bc of him. Trust me, you are as healthy as a Betsy bug bc of him. Lol. Ask your Granny she will tell you. So Go easy on your mama & daddy. We're newbies, the freshmen class, the new kids on the block when it comes to this custodial parenting thing. Lol And trust us, if anyone is bound to eff this thing up in the beginning.. its us! 😂 But we're a team in every since of the word & we're ready for you. We've already predicted & prepared that you'll be spoiled, stubborn, picky, and unique little woman. But we can deal. Bc We already think you're #AmazinglyPerfect, My Love! And we can not wait to meet you ;)

To O-B or not to O-B? ...THAT is the question!

I have blogger's guilt. I've been so swamped I just haven't had the time to blog. So update thus far is, I decided to change from an OB to a NP. I moved across time and the 30-40min commute up north just wasn't worth it. I'm now a patient at Valley Women For Women clinic with only NPs and midwives and I feel a lot more connected to this provider than my old one. My new provider is Venessa Thompson, WHNP-BC and she's so awesome. She full of life and let's me talk about my fears and successes so far. She has great advice and I don't fel like she's rushing me in and out of the clinic. I received this great breast milk cooler and storage bags and a Babies 'R Us coupon book. They also even have a med spa at their other clinic location to which they gave a 30min prenatal massage coupon! I got lots ofvitamin samples and a free magazine. I just felt like God led me to this place :) It's definitely more personal and equally competent. I don't wait 10+ minutes for a reception, a voice on the other end picks the phone right up and says hello :) This is the type of experience pt-OB provider I've been waiting for :) I know deep inside I made the right choice!

We've Finally Got A Date!

So I've been a little MIA lately but for just cause. Trust me, trust me. I've started my own tax return preparation business and it's going quite well actually. I finished Tax School with Jackson Hewitt on January 30th. Thank God. I'm pretty mobile and I've completed about 6 persons tax returns thus far. With a rate of $75-99/person. So I'm very happy with my entreprenuerial journey thus far. I've learned so much about business ownership through practical application than I did as a grad school at UMichigan. Those MBA courses have nothing on REAL LIFE... Okay, enough about that. So today was the BIG DAY! I had to reschedule my original date of 1/23/14 to 2/5/14 (today) because unlike Michigan, when you quit a job in Arizona, apparently your health benefits stop that week. So my health benefits for my new job didnt kick in until 1/26/14 and my Mercy Care (Medicaid) didnt kick in until 2/1/2014 and I refused to pay out-of-pocket $300 office visit. So I was VERY anxious! BRIEF SYNOPSIS OF MY 1ST OB VISIT: We got to Dr. Oehler's office (one of many) and I submitted my insurance paperwork. I'd already completed the new patient forms from online. So check-in was pretty swift. We waited about 15-20 min and then they took my weight. Then we saw the doctor. I informed her that I thought I was 8-9wks. We went thru a cadray of questions from my new patient forms, basically I'm pretty typical history for someone my age. She did want me to see a high risk consult just to be sure my rhuematoid arthritis wouldnt cause any complications. Dr. Oehler was very nice and had great bedside manner. Next I undressed and put on a gown. Then she did a pelvic exam to check my uterus size and then we did our FIRST ultrasound. I was SO nervous. She informed us that I was WAY off. I am actually *drumroll, please* 13 weeks, 4 days pregnant! Basically I'm already into my 14th week and just about to the halfway mark. I was so elated. The big reveal was that I saw my baby on the monitor just moving and he even waved! :) I was like SOOO happy but I didnt cry. I was in shock like I really have a baby. I REALLY have a baby inside me. I just kept smiling and then Ryan gave me a kiss. And Dr. Oehler said oh he is moving around and he is not being still at all. Lol. And Dad is super proud! Ryan's face will forever be etched in my mind. He had a GIANT Smile on his face and he said "Look! Look, babe! That's our baby!" Then Dr. oehler printed 8 pics of the baby. I said, "OMG! I see him!" Dr. Oehler said "Yup there's your baby! And there's a little heartbeat! And looks like you're 13wks, 4 days! You were way off. That makes your due date: August 8th!" I was just so happy and Ryan could not stop smiling. Then when she put the machine up, Ryan said a little dust almost hit my eyes, but I'm okay now. I said: It's ok to cry. I wont tell anyone. Lol. This was one of THE Best DAYS OF MY LIFE! I'll never forget it! I'm just SO grateful to God because now its my job to make sure He turns out to be good person, with a good heart, and plenty of resources to grow, learn, and make a real impact in this world! :) I know my mom is very happy for me. Here's a few of our favs here:

So the big question now is: Will Dr. Oehler be my OB during the next six months? I'm not sure. Why not? Stay tuned. You don't want to miss my next post..

Zofran--The Miracle Drug!

I have been extremely nauseous for about 3-4 straight weeks. It had gotten to the point of being unbearable so although I didn't want to medicate my unborn baby, I decided to request some medication. My primary care doctor, aka the BEST doctor in the world!!! (Dr. Usma Ahmad) called me in some Zofran. It is a miracle drug. It's quite strong and I know I can't be on it forever but I have been able to function somewhat. With the new job coming up, I have to be able to perform so Im a happy camper now. Ready to ride the rest of this pregnancy out ;)

What Happens to a (Pregnant) Dream Deferred...

I have bad the craziest pregnancy dreams lately. Here's a brief summary I each: •I am an actress, whose first role is a part of the TLC biopic on VH1. I am playing the role of T-Boz and it felt SOOOO real. Especially when we were in the scene and got our deal. Lol. I won't up a little disappointed. •I am living in a trailer that Ryan has renovated for our family. It is myself, Ryan, and my sister yo bass the back room. A gang of white bikers try to break it bc the formerly dilapidated trailer is where they got high and trashed the place. They aren't too happy that a black family has bought and fixed up their "hot spot". Enter Ryan's best friend, Dree, who comes into the dream out of nowhere, strapped with his entire home armory, ready for war. I ends with Dree pointing his shotgun out the back window firing off a warning shot. Lol. Terror mixed with hilarity at Dree's demeanor. •A large crazed bunny rabbit (about the size of a tire wheel) is attacking my veggie garden. Idk where I am but he brings his buddies who have front teeth like piranha (the fish) and quickly destroy my garden. But I have my baby so although Im very upset I set a plot to poison them the next time they return. Crazy, crazy, huh?! Lol