A POEM FOR THOSE WHO ARE STILL WAITING

A POEM FOR THOSE WHO ARE STILL WAITING There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed her and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.” ~Author Unknown

I Finally Chose A Doula

So... We've chosen a doula! And I feel much better with an emotional expert at my birth. She's already given me books from her "lending library". She's young and she's fresh and she appears totally non-judge mental. Her husband is former Army and she's worked with military families so I feel good after choosing her. Her name is Amanda Santana and IM can't wait for what our journey will have in store for us soon. Ill keep you posted. ;)

A Letter for Kali

My Dearest Sweet Kali, Your dad & I have literally hustled ALL the way from the bottom to the top and now I feel that it's ALL been for you. I feel like Ive loved you 1000 yrs already. Definitely going to instill into you all the morals, values & work ethic that my mom poured inside me. If you probably already know that Im SO not a cryer. But I did cry my poor little heart out when I finally laid eyes on you. I felt happy & stupid. I felt happy bc you made it & only a select few really know what that journey has been like for me & your dad. We had prayed & waited.. & prayed, waited... prayed& finally accepted that maybe we were both too broken to ever meet you. Not worthy of the chance to raise a tiny human into an adult who could make an impact in this world. But we were so wrong! I think we just weren't ready at the time. So patience is what it took. I felt stupid bc all these yrs I finally understand how physically & mentally & emotionally exhausted my mom must have truly been that early morning in Nov of 2000. So exhausted to quit fighting, give up the ghost & leave my sister & I behind. I say this bc I see you and can't imagine a thing so painful or so difficult to make me part from you willingly. So whatever it was, I hope she is resting peacefully and she knows that I KNOW that it was worth it for her. With one breath, you helped me understand her and more importantly, forgive her & then...forgive myself. I have felt like Ive been holding MY breath for this day since I saw that first BFP on Dec 27th! And I exhaled something major today. We have so many plans & hopes and dreams for you, Kali! We've sat up for hrs just doting on what you will look like, how you will talk, your temperament, your successes in life, your intelligence. I honestly think you will be attached at our hips! You will prob stay close by with your husband and your kids. You'll prob come over everday with my grandkids & ask for advice. You'll prob tell your Aunt Libby all the secrets you wouldn't tell your mom. But thats ok bc you dont realize that I raised her pretty much so her advice will typically be my advice from her mouth. Lol. Ppl say its like having your heart walk around outside your body, and they're SO right. My heartbeat matters none if yours isn't beating too. But...half my soul (aka your daddy) has been holding my hand for 9yrs., and he's been a riot at times. He's still here tho, healthy & sound, so this should a cakewalk. Right, Kali? 😏 Lol. I already know even though we've separated, even though we've disagreed, he will never abandon you. Even if I died tomorrow, he would somehow pull it together and raise you into a lady. He will be your knight-in-shining armor, your protector, your hero, your therapist, your personal comedian, your magician, your playmate, your quarterback & at other times your stalker, your general, your warden, your overseer, and your private investigator. He will always be your prayer partner & your bestfriend. He has changed in ways for you that you couldn't even imagine just to prepare himself for you. We have a savings now bc of him. I am not afraid to travel away bc of him. Trust me, you are as healthy as a Betsy bug bc of him. Lol. Ask your Granny she will tell you. So Go easy on your mama & daddy. We're newbies, the freshmen class, the new kids on the block when it comes to this custodial parenting thing. Lol And trust us, if anyone is bound to eff this thing up in the beginning.. its us! 😂 But we're a team in every since of the word & we're ready for you. We've already predicted & prepared that you'll be spoiled, stubborn, picky, and unique little woman. But we can deal. Bc We already think you're #AmazinglyPerfect, My Love! And we can not wait to meet you ;)

To O-B or not to O-B? ...THAT is the question!

I have blogger's guilt. I've been so swamped I just haven't had the time to blog. So update thus far is, I decided to change from an OB to a NP. I moved across time and the 30-40min commute up north just wasn't worth it. I'm now a patient at Valley Women For Women clinic with only NPs and midwives and I feel a lot more connected to this provider than my old one. My new provider is Venessa Thompson, WHNP-BC and she's so awesome. She full of life and let's me talk about my fears and successes so far. She has great advice and I don't fel like she's rushing me in and out of the clinic. I received this great breast milk cooler and storage bags and a Babies 'R Us coupon book. They also even have a med spa at their other clinic location to which they gave a 30min prenatal massage coupon! I got lots ofvitamin samples and a free magazine. I just felt like God led me to this place :) It's definitely more personal and equally competent. I don't wait 10+ minutes for a reception, a voice on the other end picks the phone right up and says hello :) This is the type of experience pt-OB provider I've been waiting for :) I know deep inside I made the right choice!